As I write this in the silence of an empty factory, an icy rain is falling on the tin of the roof above me. When I was a child there were few things I loved more than when we slept over at my mom’s friend, Lyndsey’s house. She had an old farm house-type place with huge wrap-round verandahs and a tin roof. I would will it to rain when we went there so that I could stand outside on the verandah and watch it fall and catch its scent. But most of all, I loved being nice and warm in bed and falling asleep listening to the rain pattering on that roof. Nothing is quite as comforting to me as that sound, it was as if the World… Earth… God, were whispering to me. I am a long way from those days however, and so much has happened to me since then. I remember me though, who I was. Often, however, when I look at myself now, I feel as though I am this total stranger. It is as if some alien or foreign presence has inhabited me. The awesome band, Talking Heads, described this angst excellently in their song, Once in a Lifetime. I, of course, don’t have the beautiful wife, house or car for reasons that by now you are all aware of if you have read my previous posts.
Talking Heads
Once in a Lifetime (1984)
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well…How did I get here?
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was
Durban, the metropolitan area on the east coast of South Africa where I reside, is in the grip of an unusually cold and wet winter this year. It some how mirrors my discontent though. It has been almost two months since that most traumatic of things was acted upon me in Los Angeles and, and I say this without any attempt to be dramatic or overally emotional, my harrowing personal journey to the point where I am at this moment in time. There are a number of, what I refer to as Big Bang moments, in one’s life: for me, my father’s death, the bullying at school, military service, and now this are a few (there are more but I will return to my Big Bangs in a later post). The Big Bang Theory relates to how the Universe was supposedly created: in a violent explosion, hurtling worlds, planets, moons and stars outwards from the centre of eternity! This is how, in my opinion, we are formed metaphorically speaking. The person we are, for better or worse, evolves from those forces applied to us. Unlike those worlds and stars, however, we can still determine the make-up of whom we will be. That need not be left in the hands of fate, you can choose.
For instance, imagine the Earth without oxygen or water, it would be a desolate place, and just so will you be without hope and integrity and kindness and strength of character. Though you are acted upon by forces beyond your control you have the power to ensure that you are not this desolate person. I can feel that I have changed as a person because of what I have just, and am still, going through. Thus the uncomfortable strangeness I am experiencing within myself. It is to be expected: I left everything I knew – my family, my friends, my pet, my job, my home, my life, and moved to a totally new country to begin a new life. That new life was brutally, and without warning, torn from me and so I have had to begin again. I do not even begin to describe the sense of abandonment, of betrayal, of loss, of grief, of humiliation, of confusion, of despair…that accompanied all that occurred. This as I mentioned is a Big Bang moment! It is by its very nature cataclysmic! But you can come out of it a better person and grow from it! Hold on to the bedrock that was your essence, all that was good about you! Don’t give in to despair and anger! I have to admit I am feeling angry at the moment and feeling a fair measure of hate for my lost love. These are not good emotions and I am doing my best to keep them in check. Instead I am trying to focus inward rather than outward, inward to the person I am. So now you can see why I am at unease, I am faced with this stranger I have become, this new person. I am in a winter of discontent and the terrain of my soul is desolate and icy.
But I am holding on to what is integral to me and what is good about me. Spring will come, as it always does, and it will bring with it rejuvenation and new growth. I am making sure that the soil that this takes place in is fertile and rich. I want what grows to be of worth, I want to be a person of great worth, if not for anybody else but myself.