There is nothing like the pure, unadulterated emotion of heartbreak to remind you that you are alive. The anguish and sheer misery of the loss, separation and hopeless yearning for the object of your affection is at the core of our existence. It lasts, in my opinion, far longer than any other state of emotion, all others are fleeting in comparison. The misery of heartbreak, hell, of heartshatter, heartcrush!!! You are never more aware of the meatshell that our souls are anchored to then when you have lost love. So why am I all “Romeo in the garden at midnight”? Well, during the period from 12tht December 2011 to 04th July 2012 I fell in love and pursued and wooed and won the object of my adoration, and what made it even more wonderful was that it was reciprocated by her, she was doing the same thing! How amazing it is to feel wanted and needed?!!!! She and I, we, were raised up to the heavens in angelic joy by this yearning for each other! I know that is really flowery language but that is what it is to be in love! However tt is the sickening descent from those heights, dragged down by the weight of this flawed wormfood we call body that makes us most human. It is this that reminds us of the two states of humanity that exist in uneasy union: the physical and the spiritual.
The romance that has afflicted me with this cancer of angst? I met her on Facebook, I know, so 21st Century! She was a picture on an old friend’s fb page (I had just recently got reacquainted with him after over 20 years), a wink and a delicious smile and something that spoke to me. I know I am making this sound all mystic and portentous but I knew, I just knew that she was going to be huge in my life.. So I did something I have never done before: I sent this complete stranger a message. It was something along the lines of “killer wink”! July 8th, three years ago. And that is how it started. We became fb buddies and grew closer and exchanged email addresses and shared and supported each other through bad times and celebrated our good times together. There was of course flirting and talk about finally meeting face to face one day but realistically for me it would only have been in 2014 after completing my art degree. Oh, I have failed to mention that this was a long distance friendship, extremely long distance!
Then last Christmas (2011) everything sparked and our friendship blossomed into something far more real and passionate. Cel numbers, bb pins and skype addresses were exchanged and instead of a weekly exchange of news we were in constant contact; sharing, opening our souls to each other and joyful at the merging of “Me” and “You” into “Us”, delighting in our union, until in April I went over for 4 days to see her so that we could see if this was something real and not just a long-distance, fantasy thing. Five weeks later I had packed up my life, said goodbye to South Africa and was jetting over to be with my best friend, to marry my soulmate and to begin our life together. Now I know you are all thinking that that is so idiotic but let me tell you that we shared and opened ourselves and were far more intimate than most married couples are. I see people meeting in bars and clubs and at dinners and putting up these facades and blurring their edges with alcohol and hooking up. Perhaps they end up dating and even getting married but they are rarely honest. From my side at least, and I am certain from hers, we were honest and open, brutally so, and we showed more to each other than we had ever done before. That is why we fell so deeply in love.
Unfortunately this isn’t a fairytale and there is no happy ending and what was to be the happiest of things became a traumatic nightmare that I am still far too close to to even begin to wrap my fevered, tortured mind around, let alone put into words. I am eviscerated, scarred and damaged beyond description. It is a terrible thing to lose the love of your life and your best friend simultaneously. So I have returned to try and rebuild something. I can no longer call this place home but it will do until I can return to that place I now think of as that, home. Will it be a return to her? Unlikely, though there is that part of me that wishes it fervently. I believe, or rather, I want to believe in happily ever after.
I think this song by the Foo Fighters emotes it best (it also kicks ASS!).
I know what you’re thinkin’, we were goin’ down, I can feel the sinkin’
But then I came around and everyone I’ve loved before flashed before my eyes
And nothin’ mattered anymore I looked into the sky.
Well I wanted something better man I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful and wish for something true.
Been lookin’ for a reason man something to lose.
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it’s all over, there’s another round for you.
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down).
Know your head is spinnin’ broken hearts will mend.
This is our beginning coming to an end.
Well, you wanted something better man You wished for something new, well, you wanted something beautiful.
Wished for something true, been lookin for a reason man.
Something to lose.
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down) When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground) And you feel like it’s all over There’s another round for you When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
So that is the frightening thing about getting everything you’ve ever dreamed of, and for a moment I was so close, is that you have sooooo much to lose! And I have lost so very much, so bear with me while a whine and bitch because the pain is real and so is the loss. Grief hollows you out from deep within. I’ll be back though, of that I have no doubt! The thing is you have to try, you have to keep believing and yes, this was an unmitigated disaster for me but at least I will not have any regrets: I gave it my all, heart, soul and body, I sacrificed everything! Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!
They say that happy, content artists create sentimental, meaningless, terrible art, in that case brace yourselves world, there is a new artist coming through, and man, is he a miserable,tortured and pissed-off creature!!
Watch this space!