This morning I was driving to the factory I work at and in the dark street ahead of me was this bus. It was one of these independently operated buses; all blinged out, emblazoned with tigers and Man United stickers, and on the back it had this huge mudflap with Haunted To Be Wanted printed on it. It was about 5am and in the distance I could hear the praise singer from the local mosque ululating into the dawn, calling the faithful to prayer, and in that instant I was made aware of just how haunted I am at the moment. Obviously by my lost love, that’s a given, and I am not surprised by that. If you share every detail about yourself as well as of your life with someone, and it is reciprocated, this natural. I see her in songs and sounds and moments and places and situations and even scents, she is everywhere, but this will fade I know. So yes, I am haunted by one who once wanted me, and of course whom I still want, hence the haunting.
The haunting to which I refer however, is that of the presence of my Creator. In Lethal Weapon Danny Glover’s character says to Mel Gibson’s: “God hates me”, to which Riggs (Mel Gibson) replies, “Hate him back! It works for me”. OK, so before I go any further let me clarify something: I do not prescribe to man-created religions. They all have a wonderful ethos and all provide fantastic guidelines on how to live a good and moral life. But unfortunately they are all manipulated and twisted and perverted by people for some political, financial or self-righteous gain or simply to be used to feel superior to others. So I believe in a Creator but He/She and I have our own very personal relationship and I am never closer to my Creator than when I am angry with Him/Her! And needless to say I am f-ing livid with It at the moment!! I am sure you can understand after the emotional turmoil that has been unleashed upon and within me! It is natural to turn to your Creator and say, “WTF??!!!” “How could you let this happen to me if you supposedly love me?”. “I am a good person”, I said this to my lost love and she said it back to me, but do you know what? I am more than just a good person. I actually go out and try and make a difference in this fucked-up World. I don’t eat meat, I have stop-orders on my bank account for monthly donations to Doctors Without Borders and for the SPCA. I volunteer at an animal rescue centre and collect donations for them and the SPCA. Everyday I tell myself look for one opportunity during that day to make a difference in something’s life and I do it.So I am better then just a good person, I am way more than that! OK, bear with me (he he he) I know this sounds like I am boasting but it really is true I am trying to make a point. Bad shit happens to good people all the time! Why? WTF?
I can answer my own question though, the “WTF?” one. My interpretation of my Creator differs from a lot of people. I don’t see God as this kindly, Father Christmassy God. My God is one who says, “this is going to hurt you but its for your own good”. I believe we are put on this Earth to become better people, for our souls to mature. Let me tell you, adversity is the only way you grow as a person, if you have moral character and strength of will, that is. Adversity is the furnace within which all your impurities and weaknesses are purged and the steel of your resolve and will is forged. So it makes total sense that this would happen, this carwreck of an ending to my fairytale! But do know what? I get up, dust myself off and after a little application of bandaids and some healing I believe all over again.
So yeah, God and I are going to have a serious talk when I meet my Maker (he he he) about all this crap He/She insists on putting me through. But I am hoping there is a purpose to it all and that I am in some way making a difference to this World and that one day I will do something great. But in the meantime I’ll keep on trying in my own way to make that difference and to become the best I can be.