I sigh a lot these days. I am not talking about the breathey, light sighs of “oh dear” or “oh hum”. No, these are freight elevator sighs: these are from my aching core, my body reminding me to, demanding me to, breathe. I am so lost within this cocoon of aching emotion and memories: pain, anger, loss, yearning…, that I find myself enveloped in that I simply forget to…breathe. The reality is that the only thing that lessens the pain of loss, be it death (as in the case of my dear, dear friend, Truebods) or the loss of love (as in the case of my soulmate), is time. Everything else is just bandaids.
Life continues, it rolls on, and like some great river it takes you with it in its irresistable currents, takes you away from that source of pain. However, what you do take with you is the wound and the scars. In some cases these may heal and leave no trace of the trauma past but if you are like me you bear scar tissue. That is the drawback of allowing yourself to feel completely, extremely…epically!
In my last post I mentioned how I love, what I believe and what I feel, the sheer scale of my emotion. I’d like to share a song with you that my lost love shared with me. This is love on the scale that I am talking about, epic. It is Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years. The words resonate within me so much that…yes I forget to breathe.
Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.
That is the eternal, all-conquering love that I believe in! That is a love that you don’t just get over and move on. How can you possibly do that if you really, truly feel like that? Perhaps I am a fool and naive and unrealistic and just plain emotionally unstable, but to me if you feel like that it is something that you will carry with you forever, and if you believe in many lives, something you will carry into your next: you will love for a thousand years and for a thousand more. So I get it when my loves are overwhelmed, frightened or unsure or just can’t commit to that, I do! The sheer enormity of love like that and living life like that is too much for most but it is however how I have chosen to live my life and it has made all the difference. The great poet, Robert Frost, said it best when he described it like this:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
So I will sigh my freight elevator sighs and keep on breathing because I believe in happily ever after and forever and eternal, and when you do believe like that, time is not a factor but merely something that carries you along to your destiny, to your soulmate, to your…happily ever after.
