“The main thing is to be moved, to love, to hope, to tremble, to live.” ~Auguste Rodin
OK! So yes I am hurting again, and yes, heartache is the reason. And yes, no sleeping, no eating and lots of running! And yes again, much soul-searching, as well as huge buckets full of angst, and anger at my Creator, the World and myself. And again yes, loads of internal dialogue, questioning and self-loathing. And yes, finally, me dealing. Now I know after months and months of my posts about dealing with the trauma of heartbreak I am sure you are not looking forward to more of the same. Don’t stress! Not going to happen, I have “been there, done that”, agonized over it, so yes, it is extremely painful especially coming so close on the heels of the LA nightmare, but I am an emotional idiot and I deserve whatever I get. So yes, I am done talking about this. If there is any earth-shattering news on that front, like my heart finally just shattering into a million pieces and being blown away in the wind, I will, dear reader, let you know. But for now I would like to return to my regular programme.
“What is your regular programme”, you may ask? Well, the whole point of the swanyart site was to get my art out there to you, dear reader, that and to introduce myself; the artist, SWANY or swany. I have always firmly believed, that if you learn a little about the artist you will understand their work better also. So this is why I have shared my life and thoughts with you, so that you might better appreciate my work or at least understand, to a certain extent, why I create what I do.
Elliot Eisner said that, “Art is literacy of the heart”, and Oscar Wilde said, “A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament”. Goethe noted that, “Personality is everything in art and poetry”. However, my favourite quote relating to this subject is this one by Albert Camus, “A work of art is a confession”. In this confession (if I’ve created something of worth) you, dear reader, as the viewer, will find something that reveals a glimpse of your own inner self not just mine. That is, your secret self. This is what, I believe, attracts us to art. In other words, through my revelations about myself something is also revealed to you about yourself. So this is what this site is about, and I realize I do take you on long, rambling scenic routes but if you pay attention I am certain you will learn a little about yourself as well as me.
I enjoy getting feedback from readers, and one of my twitter followers sent me this after visiting my site:
@swanyart – Thank you for the link! Found your site fascinating – exploring the link between artist’s life and their work (Vasari/Barthes) 🙂
@artistscribbles – thank u! Yeah that’s the whole point of the site! An artist’s life is inextricably linked to his work and vice versa!
@swanyart – I think you’re very brave to do it – and have much respect and admiration for it 🙂
It’s nice to receive a little positive feedback as well as a little ego-stroking. To tell you the truth, my self-esteem levels are pretty low at the moment, what with LA’s destruction of my life last year and my disappointing results for my 3rd year performance piece and artworks. That all now followed by another disasterous attempt at love so soon after everything, and I find myself in a really bad place at the moment. But apparently this is natural for artists:
An artist is always alone – if he is an artist. No, what the artist needs is loneliness – Henry Miller
If this is so then I am destined to be one the world’s finest artists ever. EVER! The thing is I am very good at being alone, I know it intimately, it colours my eyes, shadows my smile and its scent clings to me like the smell of a bushfire does. Its smell is wild and dark and bitter and unsettles people with the weight of its tangible presence. I think it is because people think me feral, like some mangy, junkyard cat, and to be honest they are most probably not wrong. Being on your own all the time you become this way: you avoid contact with people, keeping your distance, tense, ready to spring away in an instant. Experience has taught you this is best.
Anyway, yes, the original programme: well, I am now in my final year of my art degree. Wahhooooo, I cannot freaking believe it!! Being in fourth year my workload is immense! I am taking Spanish 1 and 2 this year as well as a contemporary South African art theory module (I write the exam in May). In addition to this I have to write a thesis paper and prepare a further essay for my proposal for my area of focus for this year’s exhibition piece. I obviously also have to begin creating for my final exhibition! At the moment I am still in the research and conceptualization stage but I have to say I have been diligent, and my concepts are developing quite nicely. I should begin experimenting with media/materials and technique/format soon, and as soon as I do I will provide you with images and an update. So stay tuned, dear reader, I am sure to keep you entertained.
For the future, my personal future? – my plan always was to complete my art degree, and to go and make my name as an artist overseas, at the very least to make my living being an artist. Perhaps the States or even Europe, London, Spain, Italy. I was hoping that my new love would share this journey but that was not to be, but it is a journey I hope to undertake in 2014. Now it has been my experience that if you want to find out if God has a sense of humour, declare your plans out loud. You are sure to hear Him laughing, trust me on this. So yes, those are my plans but fate, God, whatever, may have other plans for me. With that note I am going to end off with the lyrics of a song from one of my favourite bands, Depeche Mode. This song always pops into my head when Life screws me over and my plans get wrecked.
Adios and hasta luego, amigos
Swany
DM
Blasphemous Rumours
Girl of 16
Whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists
Bored with life
Didn’t succeed
Thank the lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears
Mother reads the note again
16 candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame
It’s always the same
She goes down on her knees
And prays
I don’t want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God’s
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing
Girl of 18
Fell in love with everything
Found new life
In Jesus Christ
Hit by a car
Ended up
On a life support machine
Summer’s day
As she passed away
Birds were singing
In the summer sky
Then came the rain
And once again
A tear fell
From her mother’s eye
Depeche Mode
Depeche Mode