OK, so what has been going on with me other than my normal battles with my job/work and my artistic passions/studies and the struggle to find a balance between the two? Well, four pretty huge things actually: I attended a family wedding, I spent an afternoon keeping my mother company in St. Augustine’s Hospital, I attended a funeral (of sorts), and finally, I was involved in the organisation of a matric (prom) dance. Kind of like Four Weddings and a Funeral, but not; similar in that these types of events are what mark the passing of time in our lives and live on in our memories, placing us within a spatial, as well as a chronological framework of the passing of that same life, and dissimilar in that, unlike the floppy-haired Hugh Grant, there is no romantic linking of the events for me (wonder what happened to him, has he done anything since Bridget Jones?). Yeah, my love life remains the blast-site at Hiroshima post -1945. This is despite the best attempts of friends and family to “set me up”! But I am sure you get why I use the analogy, so let’s call mine: A Wedding, a Funeral, a Hospital Visit and a Dance.
Beginning with the wedding then! There is nothing quite like a family wedding, I am sure you will agree. It is a microcosm of political intrigue, rivalries, scandals and shenanigans (dig that word and one so rarely gets to use it –shenanigans). Ah, but as much as the thought of attending one of these family functions fills you with terror, once you’re there you realise just how much you love these people and how much you actually have missed them. In them you see a lifetime of you, building blocks of blood which all add up to you, the you you are at this time and moment. For me all of this was multiplied exponentially because the last time I had seen most of my relatives was last year at my farewell get-together prior to me emmigrating to the United States. The wedding was my cousin Jo’s and she looked beautiful. We all got emotional and a lot of guests got well past tipsy especially her father. We shared news, memories and hopes, and got caught up, and promised each other that we wouldn’t wait for another wedding, or funeral, to happen before we got together again.
And no, the funeral I have referred to was not a family funeral, although the soul that passed was family to me. For the past three years I have cared for a feral cat that attached itself to me at the factory complex where I work. She was a terrified little, malnourished silver kitten when I first saw her hiding in the bushes behind the industrial complex. Over the years we formed a friendship, a very close one. In the mornings she would be waiting for me, to greet me, and in the afternoons she would come and say goodbye. If the weather was bad outside she would follow me into the factory and sleep by my side while I worked, until the dayshift arrived when she would disappear again. She was my little silver shadow and we loved each other. One morning (I had already seen her and fed and brushed her that day) the caretaker of the complex came to me and told me that she had been killed, run over by some careless idiot and that he had buried her out back for me (kind of him). I miss her, my little silver ghost, waiting for me in the mornings, her eyes flashing in the headlights of my van as I pull into the parking-lot, her silken fur and her warm body rubbing against my legs in greeting as I walk to the factory entrance. Rest in peace, factory cat. PS: say hi to Champers for me.
And so, onto the hospital visit: my mom, bless her soul, has, as far as I am aware, had only one vice her entire life. She doesn’t drink, she’s never been extravagant or vain, nor foul-mouthed, doesn’t overeat, is not wasteful or nasty. Unfortunately her single vice was cigarette smoking, yes, was, she no longer does. This is not by choice, however, because that choice has been taken away from her, as has much of her lung capacity. The years of smoking have completely destroyed her lungs, she is reliant on oxygen and a wheelchair now because she suffers from emphazema. The moment she gets even the mildest of colds her lungs fill with mucous and she ends up in icu, which is 4 or 5 times a year. It is terrible to see someone you love suffer so, and it is, of course, also a huge emotional and financial drain on the entire family. Don’t smoke, dear reader, it really is a bad, bad thing! So she is in hospital at the moment, it being flu season over here, and I went to visit her on Saturday afternoon. To my surprise it was only me there. It was kind of awesome to have her all to myself, and we chatted away for an hour, just a mother and her son, and we haven’t done that in a very long time, years and years, in fact. There were moments I swear, while talking to her, when I saw the blurred ghosts of her face, the one that I remember from my childhood and youth. She was a a different person then and it saddens me so to see her crippled like this. Damn, the woman I knew as a child was amazing, and our house was always filled with kids from the neighbourhood, filled with music and laughter. She was adored by all…still is.
After my hospital visit I raced through to my Kayleigh’s house to help with her matric dance preparations. Kayleigh is my daughter in every way bar blood, I helped raise her and have loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her sweet little 2 year old face. She’s 18 now, and in her final year of high school, and on Saturday night was her final school dance. She asked me to be a part of it, and join the couples for drinks at her house, and see them off to the dance. Aw man, she looked so beautiful…and grown-up, my little girl was gone. I was filled with so many conflicting emotions: pride, sadness, joy, I knew I wanted to cry but I didn’t know what for, so I just got a little teary and hugged and loved her and saw her off. I rented her a limo to take her and her partner and two other couples to the dance, she was such a rockstar, you have no idea! And yes, I probably shouldn’t have because it was totally spoiling her, but she is such a really precious person, and one day when she is my mom’s age and she’s laying in a hospital bed at the end of her life, she is going to remember how it felt to be young and beautiful and immortal. She will remember the plush-leather smell of the limo, filled with pink balloons bobbing about her head, and the tart taste of the champagne they sipped from elegant glasses, and how she basked in the adoration of her friends, and how filled with excitement and anticipation she was for the dance, and how it felt to believe, truly believe how fantastic her future was going to be! That memory will be a gift from me to her and is, as the advert goes, priceless.
I’m going to put a soundtrack to these memories now, dear reader, and while I was writing about this, this is the song I heard in my mind. It is Puddle of Mudd’s Blurry. It is a fantastic song by a good band, despite what critics may say. They are lumped in with Nickleback as post-grunge bands who are defiantly middle-of-the-road hard rock, and that appeal to listeners with more conservative tastes. Well, I am certainly not conservative so screw them, I like what I like, and I am not ashamed to pin my colours to it, and Blurry is a classic. If you haven’t heard it, do so, I think you will agree. To quote Wes Scantlin from Puddle of Mudd:
“The song ‘Blurry’ is three chords; I mean that’s three notes, dude, really! In a basic world, it’s only three notes. I mean you can play it with one finger on a guitar. You know what I’m saying? I’m telling the truth here, man, I’m not lyin’.” (Ultimate Guitar, October 16, 2008)
“Blurry”
Everything’s so blurry
and everyone’s so fake,
and everybody’s empty,
and everything is so messed up.
Pre-occupied without you,
I cannot live at all.
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl.
You could be my someone,
you could be my scene.
You know that I’ll protect you
from all of the obscene.
I wonder what you’re doing,
imagine where you are.
There’s oceans in between us
but that’s not very far
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well, ya shoved it in my face,
this pain you gave to me.
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well, ya shoved it in my face.
Everyone is changing,
there’s no one left that’s real.
To make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel.
Cause I am lost without you,
I cannot live at all,
my whole world surrounds you.
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone,
you could be my scene.
You know that I will save you
from all of the unclean.
I wonder what you’re doing,
I wonder where you are.
There’s oceans in between us
but that’s not very far
[Chorus]
Nobody told me what you thought,
nobody told me what to say.
Everyone showed you where to turn,
told you when to runaway.
Nobody told you where to hide,
Nobody told you what to say.
Everyone showed you where to turn,
showed you when to run away
[Chorus]
This pain you gave to me.
You take it all,
You take it all away…
This pain you gave to me,
You take it all away.
This pain you gave to me,
Take it all away.
This pain you gave to me.
