After a week or two of anger at my lost love, at the World, at God…at myself, I seem to have hit this wall. I am drained: my legs are weak, my stomach cramps and is queasy, I have feverblisters on my lips, my head is filled with cottonballs, my emotions are all over the place, and to say my heart aches…? I have never understood how people get over a breakup so quickly, man, I just don’t. It’s like I don’t have a control button on those emotions, which is, I guess, both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to really, truly experience every emotion, sensation, feeling in 3D, technicolour, surroundsound! Which is absolutely incredible when in love, BUT… is really, truly not good if you are experiencing heartbreak! In fact, it is a life-changing, traumatic experience. So I will be different once this fever has run its course, I can feel that I am altered already as I have mentioned in previous posts. I am hoping it is for the better, however I would be lying if I said I was not concerned.
I wonder if I will ever be able to fall in love again? And if I were to, would I allow myself to do it in my 3D, technicolour, surroundsound manner? Or am I too damaged now to feel like that again? Has that part of me been forever extinguished? I hate to think that it has because I thought that was something good about me, that I was able to experience things like a child, or a teenager, to revel in the uniqueness of everything as though it were brand new and such a blessing, that I could see a world of possibilities in the smallest of things, and that I was so uninhibited, unashamed and willing to show and share my emotions, completely and totally. I guess I will only know when…or if I ever fall in love again. However, first things first, I need get through this wall I have come up against!
You may have noticed from my posts that I am one of those people that have a soundtrack to their lives. This should be no surprise because of the sensory-driven type of person I am, and at the moment I have Linkin Park’s Faint blasting through my being:
I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it’s like no matter what I do
I can’t convince you to just believe this is real
So, I let go watchin’ you, turn your back
Like you always do, face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here ’cause you are all that I’ve got
I can’t feel the way I did before, don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored, time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored
I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
‘Cause you don’t understand, I do what I can
But sometimes I don’t make sense
I am what you never want to say but I’ve never
Had a doubt, it’s like no matter what I do
I can’t convince you for once just to hear me out
So, I let go watchin’ you, turn your back
Like you always do, face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here ’cause you are all that I’ve got
I can’t feel the way I did before, don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored, time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored
No, hear me out now, you’re gonna listen to me
Like it or not, right now, hear me out now
You’re gonna listen to me like it or not, right now
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored
I can’t feel the way I did before, don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored, time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored
I can’t feel, I won’t be ignored, time won’t heal
Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored
Immense, epic lyrics! I’m hoping time will heal though because, I have to be honest, the woman really neither deserves me nor my love or the time and emotions I have spent on her. The fact that she doesn’t want it is beside the point, it is the fact that she could not see nor acknowledge my real worth that is truly sad. To move on does not mean to move away, do you see the difference? Everybody deserves to be treated with consideration, compassion and afforded some dignity, and if you don’t, let me tell you, your own spirit will become a twisted and deformed thing. You will poison yourself with your actions, but the truly tragic thing is everyone loses. Everybody is damaged and like a stone thrown into a pond, the waves of this damage spread out effecting others.
As I have shared in my other posts, I am trying desperately to grow from this, to improve myself, to become a new, stronger, perhaps wiser person, but I do worry. I worry that I am damaged, that I will not be able to forgive, to forget, that I will never be able to love again, that I will stop believing in fairytales, in happily ever after. I know I am like just this minuscule little thing in the whole scheme of things but I believe the world is a sadder place when people like me stop believing in love in the way we do. Why? Because it is those emotions that drove the creation of the most beautiful things in the world of art, that inspired the most beautiful music and literature. These are the things that keep you going and give you hope when the world seems like a toilet, things created by people like me.